The Dangers of Being Nice

You’ve met them, I’ve met them, or you may be one of them: nice people. They always give others the benefit of the doubt, are ready to give a hand, or volunteer for that task that no one wants. They’re sensitive to the feelings of others, easy to be around, and rarely if ever argue. What’s not to like?

Not much, you say. But if you’re always the nice guy, if it’s your 24/7 public persona, there’s often psychological dangers lurking below that friendly surface, a downside that can take its toll. Here are the most common ones:

Internalization

You’re that good, that laid-back all the time, really? Unless you’re on some major and highly effective medications, probably not. What always-nice people tend to do is internalize—hold in negative emotions that naturally rise up in the course of everyday life. The byproduct of these emotional crunches are often depression, anxiety, and addiction. 

Periodic acting out

And if depression, anxiety, and addiction aren’t strong enough to keep those non-polite feelings at bay, you are likely at risk for acting out, through the one-night stand on a business trip, going on a binge, going into a hurricane-like rage at your kid, your dog, or your gentle but always-absent-minded coworker. It seems to come out of nowhere, you feel terribly guilty, you apologize profusely, you promise never to do that ever again… until you do, until the pressure builds up and the right stress-triggers set you off.

Self-criticism

What goes a long way to being nice is that you're more likely to blame yourself than anyone else: It’s your fault, you should have known better, you did something that caused the other person to act the way they did, though you really have no idea what that may be. You have this critical, scolding drill-sergeant/parent voice coming at you all the time, looking over your shoulder, wagging its finger. Under such steady verbal abuse, you vow to try harder, not screw up, be even nicer, but whatever you do is never good enough; fault, mistakes, incriminations are around every corner. It’s a miserable way to live.

Resentment

A build-up of resentment can often fuel the acting out, but sometimes it’s just a slow and ever-present simmer that you internalize along with everything else. The resentment comes because with your niceness also comes with expectations—that other’s will appreciate your martyrish efforts or will follow your lead and be like you, always putting others first, stepping up, etc.—or expecting them to realize what you need and give it to you even though you never say what those needs are.

Periodic burnout

If you do all the heavy lifting all of the time, you are prone to periodic collapse. It may be exhaustion, or it may be getting sick or sinking into the depths of severe depression. The burnout may sideline for awhile, but once you recover, you're quickly back on duty.

You appear controlling or passive-aggressive at times

Others, especially those closest to you, may see you as subtly controlling or passive-aggressive at times—because you are. Your persona cracks a bit and you put on subtle pressure or guilt to get your way, or you go along with but then act in a passive-aggressive manner because your unhappiness leaks out.

Stale relationships

Close relationships can lack depth. Between the pre-compromise and internalization, you never say what you truly want and feel, you're not being really honest and emotionally intimate. And if both partners are nice, the effects are multiplied, resulting in a no-conflict but superficial relationship.

source: www.psychologytoday.com