6 Reasons People Lie When They Don’t Need To
Pathological lying isn’t a clinical diagnosis, though it can sometimes be a symptom of other issues, such as a personality disorder or
a manic episode. But some people get so accustomed to lying that they
do so even when there is no clear purpose, and when their lies are
easily disproven, leaving everyone scratching their heads over the point
of their deceptions.
Over the years, I’ve worked with a number of these people — so-called
pathological or compulsive liars — and gained some insight into the
way they think. Believe it or not, their lying makes some sense, when
you look at it through their eyes.
1. The lie does matter ... to them. The number one reason people lie when it just doesn’t matter is because they actually do
think it matters. While everyone around them thinks it’s an
inconsequential issue, the liar believes it is critically important.
They may be putting undeserved emphasis or pressure on themselves, or on
the issue, but you won’t know unless you ask something like, “It seems
like this issue is really important to you — why?”
2. Telling the truth feels like giving up control. Often,
people tell lies because they are trying to control a situation and
exert influence toward getting the decisions or reactions they want. The
truth can be “inconvenient” because it might not conform to
their narrative.
3. They don’t want to disappoint you. It may not
feel like it to you, but people who tell lie after lie are often worried
about losing the respect of those around them. They want you to like
them, be impressed, and value them. And they’re worried that the truth
might lead you to reject or shame them.
4. Lies snowball. I remember a cartoon my kids
watched years ago about how lies grow. We tell a little bitty lie, but
then to cover that lie, we have to tell another one, then another, and
another — each gets bigger and bigger. Finally, we’re arguing about the
color of the sky, because to admit anything creates the potential of the entire house of cards tumbling. If a chronic liar admits to any single lie, they feel like they’re admitting to being a liar, and then you’ll have reason to distrust them.
5. It’s not a lie to them. When we are
under pressure, our thinking about the big picture can be challenged.
Our memory of things is actually quite unreliable: Multiple studies
demonstrate that our memories
are influenced by many things, that they change over time, and that
they are essentially reconstructed each time we think about them. Often,
repetitive liars feel so much pressure in the moment that their memory
becomes simply unreliable. When they say something, it’s often because
they genuinely believe, at that moment, that it is the truth. Their memory has been overwhelmed by stress, current
events, and their desire to find a way to make this situation work.
Sometimes, this can become so severe that the person almost seems to
have created a complete alternate world in their head, one that conforms
to their moment-by-moment beliefs and needs.
6. They want it to be true. Finally, the
liar might want their lie to be true so badly that their desire and
needs again overwhelm their instinct to tell the truth. “Be the change
you want to see in the world,” Gandhi never actually said. But
sometimes, liars hope that they can make something come true by saying
it over and over, and by believing it as hard as they can. In today’s
environment of “alternative facts,” it’s hard not to see this as
somewhat justified.
source: www.psychologytoday.com
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